The Mountain

This weekend I attended a sober retreat and it was the most amazing experience I’ve ever had. I spent 2 days with people in various stages of recovery and was able to make connections in ways I haven’t before. At the start of the retreat, we were asked to set intentions for the weekend – I chose to focus on ways I could find balance in my life and be comfortable being still.

I’m still processing this experience, but I needed to share some initial realizations I came to over the course of the weekend. Throughout the coming days/weeks I will have more to share, but the two biggest takeaways were:

1. I am not comfortable being vulnerable with others. I share my experiences and thoughts with others in meetings and through this blog, but I don’t truly allow people to see my raw emotions. I am good at letting people in just enough where they feel they know me, but not in enough to see what I’m actually going through. This approach worked for me in varying degrees in my life before recovery, however it is causing me to stall through recovery. If I want to be able to make progress and grow, I’m going to have to focus on letting others see the real me and not just what I am comfortable showing them.
2. I am always taking on tasks and staying busy, trying to prove my worth to myself and to society. I feel that if I am not being productive or working towards something, I am useless. I find myself judging others on this, considering people who don’t contribute to society a waste of space. I’m starting to realize this is me projecting my insecurities. I’m not exactly sure where this stems from, I’m still working that part out. What I do know is that I need to spend time reflecting upon my intentions.

This weekend wasn’t just about realizations, it also was filled with love, joy, hope, and light. Every single person on the mountain understood what I was going through and invested in my recovery and happiness. It was a spiritual experience – and I hope to be able to share the love and joy I felt with others in my every day life.